CRITICISM – Most couples dont know when they do this but they do it alot,when your attack your partner at their core, dismantling their whole being with criticism,sometimes when they try to look good for you,instead of appreciation you tell them how bad you think they appear or look (this is different from voicing a complaint or offering a critique). When you criticize your partner, you are basically implying there is something wrong with them. Your partner becomes the focus of the problem instead of you seeing the particular situation as problem between the two of you that you can share,talk about and solve together.Instead of criticizing your partner tell them about what you dont like or want,find a way to resolve or amend what they are doing.
DEFENSIVENESS – When you perceive to be threatened or attacked by your Partner,you feel the need to defend yourselves with reasons and/or excuses,Most partners are guilty of this,i still believe the time spent to make excuses can be invested into making that thing work for the good of the relationship.Seeing yourself often as a victim will only worsen the situation,try placing yourself in your partners shoes and give room for improvement(ITS NOT BAD TO BE THE WRONG ONE IN OTHER TO SAVE YOUR UNION).You might respond in a way that blames your partner for something you know you are guilty of,the moment you realise this,it is important you apologise,accept your wrong and save your union.
STONEWALLING – Silence i believe is one of the greatest killers of any relationship or marriage,most partnes are scared to voice their opinion for fear of being misunderstood so they end up being silent and then they let anything and everthing slide but for how long?.When you withdraw from the interaction because you are scared of being misunderstood or just because you think slience is maturity to handling issues then you are on the wrong part,when you open your mouth to voice your opinion or bring an issue to the table there is 94% chance of having it resolved rather than letting it slide and then it eats you up,this already is destroying the the joy of partnership. when one person closes themselves off from the other in silence without communicating an intent to return to the conversation to solve it,both partners should always talk with eachother when there is an issue.Rather than addressing the issue with your friends or making evasive maneuvers such as tuning out, turning away, or acting “busy.”Just open up to your partner.
CONTEMPT – When you are truly mean, treating your partner with disrespect, making hurtful comments, mocking them with sarcasm, ridicule, name-calling, and/or body language such as eye-rolling. The target of contempt is made just to make your partner feel worthless and despised.instead of this, why not value,appreciate,honor,respect and treat your partner better than they deserve.show them what is means to be accepted,build your life around them as they do the same in return.
Awareness can be really helpful, knowing which ones are your default(s), our fall-back behaviours, and the ones we are most drawn to out of familiarity is the first step to turning away from them.Being able to identify when we have conflicts with our partner is a necessary first step to eliminating them, but this knowledge is not enough. To drive away destructive communication patterns, we must replace them with healthy, productive ones. Checking in with ourselves about which of the Four warheads is showing up in our response to our partner(s) is a great first step.Pay close attention the next time you find yourself engaged in a difficult conversation, argument or conflict with your partner. See if you can spot any of The Four warheads, and try to observe their effects on you and the people involved.Being open to and getting through conflict has the potential to develop trust and intimacy in Relationshis.Knowing that both of you are ready and willing to stay, listen to each other’s perspective and work through the conflict will strengthen your relationship and deepen your trust. It is great for your emotional health, psychological health and social health.
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